Kicking & Screaming - DivX Version (Normal Quality), iPod/iPhone Version
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IMDB rating: 5.40 Plot: Family man Phil Weston, a lifelong victim of his father’s competitive nature, takes on the coaching duties of a kids’ soccer team, and soon finds that he’s also taking on his father’s dysfunctional way of relating… |
Available versions:
DivX Version (Normal Quality), iPod/iPhone Version
Actors: Ferrell Will,Duvall Robert,Ditka Mike,McLaughlin Dylan,Hutcherson Josh,Lawrence Steven Anthony,Bergman Jeremy,Cho Elliott,Walker Erik,McKinney Dallas,Liotti Francesco,Ruggiero Alessandro,Fine Sammy,Comedy,Family,Sport,
How do you like my story so far?
I’m 18 and thought I would try my hand at writing. Do you think this is a good start? What could I do, if anything, to fix it. Do you think my town name fits or do you have a different suggestion for a name?
It was 7:00 a.m. on Wednesday morning when a quiet breeze blew through the town of Willow Bit, Indiana. All that could be heard was the banging of shutters against a house. I awoke, yawning, to sunlight streaming into my eyes. The appetizing aroma of blueberry muffins radiated from the downstairs kitchen. Getting out of bed, I changed out of my hot pink pj’s and into comfy sweats. I suddenly heard screams and banging coming from downstairs. Curious, I investigated the noise only to find my mother chasing a rat with her lime green frying pan in hand. "Mother!" I yelled just as the rat scurried out the open front door. "Oh hi honey," My mom said jubilantly, putting the frying pan down. Rolling my eyes I said, "So are we having another big family dinner again for Thanksgiving?" Giving no answer, my mother, in all her odity, started mumbling about how much she hated cooking. Hungry, I grabbed a muffing and made my way outside for a jog. We lived in a fairly small town. Our neighbors, the Ferawitz’s, were loud, obnoxious, and mean. They went partying 24/7 and would come stumbling home at 2:00 a.m. hollering and laughing. They owned half the town so no amount of complaining could get them kicked out.
i think that is really great, good start i like it. I would definitly read it !
Stargirl_04 | Nov 17, 2009
This seems really awkward and there isn’t much syntax variety, which makes it sound clunky. Characters could be interesting, but work on the way you phrase your sentences.
Amanda | Nov 17, 2009
I really like it. I would definately read it. But my only question is what it is about. I say keep going and this would turn into a really good book! You should put the finished book on like a website so everyone could read it. I would!
loveya4566 | Nov 17, 2009
Every one is a writer but to take notice in passionately crafting it, is what you’re aiming for. I think you are a pretty good writer though but when you talk about the town it should flow so try to rearrange it or at least say ‘I took a jog around the tight cruves of the small town" or something to that effect
Fame writer | Nov 17, 2009
You did a fairly good job.
*Where you say "pj’s", spell it out to say pajamas. Don’t use too many abbreviations when writing as it looks more professional when you spell things out
* When writing dialogue, start a new paragraph with each new speaker
* It’s alright to use larger words, but overuse can make your piece boring. Bigger words have more of an effect when used sparingly.
* When you say "Ferawitz’s", you’re using improper grammar. You would only use an apostrophe if you were talking about a possession of the family. As in the Ferawitz’s dog. In your case, you need to say "Our neighbors, the Ferawitzes, were loud…"
~ You add the ‘e’ simply because of syntax. When you’re using plural form of a name/word ending with a ‘z’, the ‘e’ is necessary.
That’s really all I could find. You did a good job, so keep writing!
Ahmaey | Nov 17, 2009
ha i like it!
But don’t 4get to start a new line every time some1 new speaks.
I love the way the story is going but maybe start it more dramatically eg.
i woke to screams and banging from downstairs, it sounded serious.
and hold beck on all the colour describing. Maybe ins ted of "I changed of of my hot pink PJ’s into some comfy sweats" use some thing like "I love my hot pink PJ’s, but my sweats were comfier. And i couldn’t wear PJ’s for my run!"
Your story line is great! I love it. Just remember to liven things up a bit ,even in the first paragraph, by rearranging the structure of your sentences and you’ll b selling shelf fulls in minutes.
eeyoregal | Nov 17, 2009
Lester Byers